Something a friend said to me and a few others in a group recently, and it really stuck so I decided it needed a home here on Wasted Talent.
I love how I can say “I Love You” to her at any point when she’s sleeping, and she will always way it back in her sleep…
-John
So this is it – I’ve arrived at the final stop of the relationship I was in for almost Four years. This is the longest we have ever gone without contact since the day I first picked her up. Hm, there’s a happy thought… Often when you part ways from someone you love it can be bittersweet.. I fear this time it is solely bitter. Not bitterness in the sense that I’m bitter, but in a way that the whole ending and everything was nothing but a bitter mess. This is not what I wanted, nor was it the ending I would have chosen if given the chance.. I tried to make up for my past so hard as best I could in the end, and I feel like I deserved a better ending, we deserved better, and she definitely deserved better. This is not what I wanted at all, ever.
Moving on has gotten easier… I mean, I never really wanted to but I just couldn’t keep fighting an uphill battle with no hope. I know she thinks I just “gave up” on Us, but I had to – she already had and it was killing me inside every day to keep prolonging the inevitable. I may have strayed some from her in the past, but I never sought romance or love elsewhere – I was always %100 hers in that manner. The last few months of trying to fix things between us I was having to compete with new competition, and no matter how bad she thinks I hurt her in the past, I never tried to move on from her or love another woman. I don’t think she knows what it was like to chase her while I knew she was chasing some one else… but I tried any way, even though I saw all of this coming for weeks in advance. From the moment she told me about “the guy” she was talking to, I knew it was the Beginning of the End and that nothing I did was going to stop it. I cried so many nights about The End before it ever even came, I just knew..
They say “Love Conquers All”, so what does that mean if the battle is never won? Was it never Love?? It sure felt like real love.. still feels like true love, always has.. I still think of her throughout my entire day, just like I always have, wondering what she’s doing, even if I don’t want to.. I still wake up in the night and reach my arm out to pull her in close, that perfect way we fit together, even though she’s not there.. I still think of her every time I see something she would like or laugh at, but I can’t tell her.. I still see her in everything I do and am, because she helped shape me into the young man I’ve become, but she’s not here to be proud.. I can’t even hear her name without my heart jumping and sending me into a chaotic vex.. Her earrings and eye-drops still sit on my headboard, I see them everyday, but I can’t throw them away.. Could that not be Love??? Or am I just a stupid sad little man? :/
Due to the numerous breaks I had to take while writing this because of uncontrollable crying that I’ve never experienced before in my life, “sobbing” I believe they call it… I know what is real and what is not. Everything in the past was not real… before I met her, nothing was real, as much as I may have thought it was then.. The person I was before her wasn’t real.. The things I did to her in the beginning were not real, they were real hurtful, but they weren’t the real me.. I didn’t know what was real before Chanda, I didn’t even know the real me. She showed me who I am these past couple years, and who I need to be – before that I was just a lost cause wandering and no one could tell me what to do. I was a wild beast and she fought through whatever issues had screwed me up my whole life and made me right, she tamed me.. If it weren’t for her I wouldn’t even be able to write this, she taught me more this past year about myself and how to open up then I ever even thought possible. If not for everything else she did for me, I will always be thankful and remember her for giving me the drive to be a better man and fixing me – even though I broke her. In the Beginning of The End I thought I could put her back together; I thought I had all the shards and knew exactly where to put them.. but it seems I let some pieces of her heart slip through my fingertips – I just hope they aren’t lost forever and some one will find them and make her whole again.
I may be a sad man, but I’m not stupid.. not any more. The first 23 years of my life were filled with stupidity due to my up-bringing and surrounding, and lack of judgement.. and the last 2 years of that 23 were the Most stupid of them all – my first 2 years with her, when I made all the wrong decisions and choices. I’m not stupid.. and I’m not going to lie to myself and say the last Four years weren’t True Love – I know they were.
So where does that leave me now? Wiser, Smarter, Focused, and Sad.. but I’m doing what I have to do. The hardest part about all of this is loving some one so much and having to let their memories fade into the background.. as new ones try to take their place. No matter how much it hurts and makes you sad.. you have to let go and let them fade into the past, even if you still dream of them in your future.
I Love you Mushy – Always and Forever.
-Buk Kao
So, I’ve been working on a side project (aside from Wasted Talent) for almost 2 months now and it’s finally starting to come to fruition so I took a screenshot of my Google Analytics Dashboard.
You can see on the Line Graph that my visits are steadily increasing to more and more every few days! I’m very excited about this, plus I’ve already started making money every day from Google Adsense. 
Thank you Google!
-John
To this author, kissing has always been the utmost intimate action to be shared between two people in love. For some people sex and other intimacies can be distant, without passion, and completely lacking in any mental or emotional attraction. Sex can be a purely physical act that two people do for pleasure without any other type of connection or attraction.. But, kissing.. Real Kissing… now that is completely different.
As a man in my mid-twenties I still have plenty of hormonal urges at the blow of a wind or the passing of a gorgeous woman. Perhaps less and not quite as often as when I was in my late teens, but they are definitely still there.. However, in all my years thus far I’ve Never had the urge or sudden want to kiss some one that I wasn’t already involved with romantically to some extent. To be quite honest, it has always been a bit of a turn-off when women have kissed me before I even got to know them. I suppose that’s why my Thirteen year career of kissing has only lead up to Nine women so far, technically only Eight since I didn’t even know what I was doing with the first girl when I was Twelve years old..
So.. when you kiss some one it may feel nice on your lips, but it’s not exactly “physical pleasure” is it?.. No, to kiss some one is to be emotionally and mentally drawn to them for reasons other than just physicality such as Passion or Love. Kissing is much more than just a physical act – it is how we say “I Care for You” without using words, even if you haven’t even said it yet. A Kiss can say “I Missed You”, “I Long for You”, or even “I’m Angry With You”.. Kisses, they are the Language of Love.. a Bridge from Soul to Soul. You can always tell how much, and how fast, you are going to fall in love with some by how the first kiss goes – You can always tell how much a person loves you by the way they kiss you and how it makes you feel – You are always reminded of the best times with a person when your lips touch theirs, no matter how bad things have gotten..
This is the reason why Men and Women have been driven to great lengths throughout history just by the thought of being able to kiss their lover once again. Kissing is a Bridge from Soul to Soul – without your True Love, your Soul has nowhere to go…
So off we go, in search of a kiss.. a place for our Souls to call Home.
-John
Just want to feel your soft lips,
pressed firmly against mine,
holding your waist and hips,
until the end of time.
-John
So many people believe they know what happiness is and that they have attained it, but are they really happy? Or, are they perhaps just content, complacent, or even delusional? People often have no idea what they really need to be happy, and only go after what they think they need, or what they want at that moment in time. Some times people just give up on what’s really important and just settle for what they have, fooling themselves into thinking they are happy when the have really just given up. Then there are even the people who let outside factors, such as the media and peers, weigh in on their own outlook of life and what is to be expected of it, rather then actually going after what it is that they really enjoy.
The greatest example of being Content rather than Happy, that has been around for hundreds of years, is Money – Can it buy Happiness? Or does it just buy a feeling of Content? We often think the stability of money and even grandiose things will bring us happiness, but it also leads to other worldly problems and stress along with the absence of the things that truly make us happy. So, is that a fair trade? Can you achieve both true happiness along with wealth of money? If not, which is the best road to journey down if only one must be chosen?
Which brings us to Settling for less.. As if going %100 in one direction isn’t a difficult enough decision, what about splitting your efforts? To settle for partial happiness along with partial contentment, and basically become complacent to both the idea of True Happiness or being Content. Perhaps a job that you hate but it pays well, a lover that provides security but no romance, or just giving up on what you truly want because it’s tiresome and you want something easier.. Would you be willing to settle for less and just make things easier? Can you call yourself happy when you have sacrificed parts of yourself to get there? If you are not %100 yourself, can you be %100 happy?
Perhaps we can.. Or at least that’s what some of us choose to believe. Maybe it is the media telling us, or just the way we were raised, or even the people around us; but some people will be what they feel others think they should be in order to be happy and not what they actually feel for themselves. If everyone around us believes we should be happy, then we should be happy, correct? Does is matter if what we truly want to be Happy isn’t recognized by others as long as they recognize something? Does is even matter what others think, or can we be completely happy by ourselves in our own little “crazy” world?
These questions so hardly answered have been ever-present for many years and still have no sign of ever having a definite answer. So what is it that we can do? Only one real answer for that, to continue being Humans and figure it out as we go along – preparing for the worst and hoping for the best. As long as we keep a positive outlook on things as we work towards True Happiness, being Content will come along as much as ever with knowing that you have followed your heart. If you have what you Truly Love that bring you True Happiness and cling to it, everything else should follow in it’s place.
Or, at least that is what I believe. The beauty in it all is that Happiness is not a definite answer because we are all different, so we will all have our own paths to follow. As the 3rd century BC Greeks had a saying for all the way until it was first recorded in 1878 by The Duchess, “Beauty is in the eye of the beholder”. I believe the same can be said for True Happiness.
-John
Ha! Not sure whether to laugh my ass off or be mad that my Ex-Girlfriend’s new boy is Facebooking me to ask if she’s still been contacting me! I should reply, “No, she’s done Two-Timing both of us – she’s all yours now!” Lmao… I see trust-issues in the future. It’s sort of funny.. she always held it against me that I was hung up on my ex-girlfriend for a few months, who was 1300 miles away, when we first started dating – then she went and lead me on for 3+ months like I could still fix things between us, yet she was off still talking and seeing a new guy behind my back. She’s did the same thing to this new guy that I did to her. Funny how that works, but hey, what can you do?
I gave that girl my all for the past year trying to get her to just be mine again, only to be pushed away like the plague – then once I finally give up she goes through my facebook and calls me a CHEATER when she was out with a boy EARLIER in the day than I was even with a girl. Guilty Conscious Much?? Only reason she went through my Facebook was because she was feeling guilty, why else?.. I knew I had a feeling that night that things were truly over, as soon as I was told she was seen out with another guy holding hands and kissing I knew why I did what I did – because she was apparently out doing the same thing, and had been for a while – Moving on.
I know I made mistakes in the past, but I’ve tried to make up for them. I would have kept making up to her for the rest of my life if she would have just forgiven me and gave me a real chance. I suppose some things really are unforgivable, and that will be my biggest regret… Maybe one day she will forgive me and realize that I’ve done a lot of growing up and am ready to be the man she always deserved, the one true person for her, her true-fit.. and maybe she will come back to me and let me make her the happiest she’s ever been in her life again… Maybe not. Either way I can’t sit and worry about it, I’ve got too much going on and I’m not letting good opportunities slip away due to heart-ache in my life once again. I love her with my everything and I always will – always and forever.. but I’ve got to move on. I don’t know how long it will be before I ever date again, but I do know for sure that I’ve definitely screwed up enough relationships to have finally learned what the hell I was doing wrong – Everything! Whoever she may be, my next woman is going to one lucky lady… hahaha
So here’s to the Good things in life: Good Health, Decent Income, Paying Off Debts, Business Opportunities, and my new found spark in my old Hobbies of Drawing and Musical Production! Stay focused and keep moving up, that’s all that’s left for me to do, so that’s going to be my motto!
Now I must get back to productive things instead of, you know… writing here. haha
-John
If only I could go back in time with knowledge that I have now and have a talk with myself…
Even if only 3-4 years in the past, the things I could change. I could be in a totally different place right now leading a totally different life surrounded by completely different people. Hindsight really is 20/20.
Better Choice Evaluation regarding Future Standing – That’s the moral of the story I guess.
Now back to Transformers: Dark of the Moon
-John
